Ron Costello

Friday, November 13, 2015

Let's say when you die you go before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

He tells you that heaven and hell are not how humans on earth fantasize it. Rather, he says, you go back to earth and how you lived your previous life, will determine how you live your next life.

Therefore, Saint Peter says, since you've been very good, you will go back to your next life as Chase Utley.

You immediately do a double-fist-pump. YES !!

Saint Peters says, go to the next room where Mother Teresa will outline your new life, so you are happy in the womb. But remember, once you come out of the womb, you will remember nothing Mother Teresa told you.

Now, my son, she is waiting for you.

Sit, says Mother Teresa, who oozes Godliness like an expensive cologne, and I will review your next life. You will be born near a very long beach, with a wonderful mother and father and a new sister will come soon to join you.

You will always want to hit ball. In fact, your father, who studies ways of human law, will take you to a fenced-in place where you will hit many balls. You will hit so many balls that a college with initials will ask you to hit balls there, too.

"Which college is that," you ask.

I'm sorry my son,  it is not here, only initials.

At this college, because you are so handsome, beautiful young women will come to your room to do your school work, and you will propagate as much as you hit ball.

But heavenly father says it's okay to propagate as long as you are not married.

You do a triple double-fist pump. "YES, YES!"

"You will marry a fairy princess and the two of you
will care for many of the Earth's creatures."
Now try to control yourself, son, you are at the Pearly Gates.

"Yes, Mother Teresa."

You will marry a fairy princess and the two of you will care for many of the Earth's creatures. She is so beautiful that men will pass out when she walks by. 

"What does that mean, Mother Teresa, care for Earth's creatures?"

It only says here that you will be the opposite of Michael Vick.

"Oh."

Then, Mother Teresa continues, you will go to place where there is brotherly love. You will hit ball many times, there. So much, that people called the Faithful will have long line on wide street celebrating how you hit ball.

"Long line?

Yes, and at the end, you will utter a bad human word in front of thousands of other humans, that will shock the Faithful. But it's okay, the Heavenly Father says words like that do no harm.

"Oh, that's good."

After someone named Harry calls you "the man," sadness will come to your life. But rest assured the Heavenly Father is just testing your resolve. Your knees will grow weak, weaker than on your wedding night, and you will catch the grounders sitting on a stool. You will continue to hit many more balls, but they just won't go as far.

To help with sadness, you and the fairy princess will have a beautiful vacation home in Mexico.

The Faithful will still love you, and you will continue to hit balls for them. But near the end, you will be sent to where people dodge trolleys.

"Dodge trolleys? What does that mean?"

Son, don't keep interrupting. Mother doesn't have all day. There are lots of the dead to meet with. But
The princess and you will have a vacation home in Carbo San Lucas.
after that, you will become good at hitting ball once in a while, often with other players on, late in the game. Your knees will feel  better because you will be sitting most of the games.


It says here; you will do well in a pinch.


"With that trolley team?"

No, a young prodigy with great future and with a steel-trap mind for numbers, who speaks in too many  syllables, will also go to the brotherly city. 

He will count up all the times you hit ball compared to others who hit ball, and he will bring you back to the place where brothers still love.

There, Mother Teresa said, you will become a hero again, but this time only in a pinch.

"Get out of town, eh, sorry Mother Teresa, sounds very exciting."

That's it, my dear son, go now, go back to the womb and do God's work! But first, listen to tape of man named Tom speaking to many ears about a pinch.

"Utley again stepping in against Syndergaard, the count full in the ninth, Mets up 2 zip, two on and two out. Syndergaard winds and here's the pitch and Utley hits a long drive down  the right field line and if it's fair he's done it again.....it is faaaaaaaair and Chase Utley has just hit another walk-off pinch-hit home run here in the ninth.........and the young and surging Phillies have taken two out of three against the Mets."

"Okay, Mother Teresa, I'm ready. Thank you."

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