Ron Costello

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Kelly to Remake Phillies

""Good evening, this is your captain speaking. It is 11:50 p.m. We are currently cruising at 30 knots,  about 45 miles off the coast of Oregon, USA. You will experience slight rocking, we are encountering five foot swells. We will be docking at Victoria, British Columbia, at 7 a.m.. and you will be able to disembark at 9 a.m. I hope you have a restful sleep and you will be eager to go in the morning. Good night.""

Oh, sure. Very good, Denise, will you hit the lights, I'm done reading. I'm just going to lie here and enjoy the gentle rocking, love those five foot wells.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

In an unprecedented move, and after a major power struggle inside the Phillies organization — backed by millions of Phillies' fans — the club announced today that Eagles coach Chip Kelly will take over the general manager duties of the Phillies, replacing Ruben Amaro, Jr.

Kelly will continue to coach the Eagles, and at the same time, make all the player personnel decisions for the organization that has been in apparent limbo, since winning the World Series in 2008 and a near miss in 2009.

Let's go now to Kelly's  first press conference at Chickie and Pete's restaurant in South Philadelphia, where  John Middleton, new majority owner of the Phillies — and chief architect of this incredible move — introduces the new Phillies GM.

Middleton: "Okay, can I have your attention now, please? Settle down please so I can introduce Coach Kelly and he will answer all of your questions. Settle down please, and put your hands down for now."

"Sitting at my side is Eagles head coach, Chip Kelly," Middleton continued. "Coach is now the Phillies new general manager and will make every decision regarding the roster from here on out. It gives me tremendous pleasure to introduce to you, General Manager Chip Kelly."

Lots of applause.

Kelly: "Thank you John. I take on this responsibility to remake the Phillies with great pleasure and I know all of you have questions, so why don't we start in right now and then go from there. Yes, there in the front."

"Tracy Davidson, NBC News. Coach, why would you take on something like this, it's mind boggling. Do you seriously think you can do both jobs well?

Kelly: "Oh, yes, without a doubt, Tracy. Look, the last guy, what was his name, Junior? We went from the World Series to the worse team in baseball. Not only the worst team, but the worst organization. So there's only one way to go and that's up, am I right? I mean, can it get any worse?"

"Chris May, CBS, what do you know about baseball?"

Kelly: "I know enough to cut here and there, to put a team on the field to win. How hard can it be? The last guy said the fans didn't know anything about Phillies baseball, so I guess I'm right there with the fans."

"What about Utley and Howard," someone yelled from the back of the room.

Kelly: "Who?"

He looked over at his personnel standing off to the side. "Are they the two I sent to the shore...?"

The staff smiled and nodded in unison.

Kelly: "Hey, is Kathy Orr here?" Coach asked.

"Back here, coach."

Kelly: "Well little lady, you watch down there for those two, they may be on the boardwalk or sunning themselves on the beach, instead of embarrassing themselves in front of the Philadelphia faithful. Listen, can black guys get sunburn?"

"Okay Coach," Orr replied, "will do."

Kelly: "Beautiful, that Kathy Orr. Outstanding. She can float my boat anytime."

"Coach, John Smallwood, Daily News. What about the younger players in the minors?"

Kelly: "Look, in football, what do we do? Draft them out of college and send them in to battle. They can either bash heads or they're gone. What's this coddling in baseball all about?'

"Biddle, Eflin, Nola, Windle, Lively, they'll all be up to form the rotation around Hamels."

Smallwood: "Coach, you're keeping Cole Hamels?"

Kelly: "Listen here, the Phillies are ten games out, stink, and have little to show. Why would you get rid of a  pitcher like Hamels? He's perfect to build a staff around."

"They're all coming up, kids that will remake the Phillies. They can either play or they'll be gone. Simple as that."

"Another thing is I like this Papelbon. Says what he thinks. You need guys like that. Why trade him or cut him when your bullpen sucks? The last guy (Junior) was doing everything in the opposite direction — the team was bad and he's trading the best players. Didn't make sense."

"Coach, Beasley Reece," you think you can compete this year?"

Kelly: "Hey, Bees, how's it going, man? Beasley you know this, you don't take the field unless you think you can win and get to the playoffs. Am I right, Bees, or not."

"You're right, Coach."

Kelly: "We're ten games back and it's not July yet, least the last I looked. Ten games, and if they would have kept Franco up at the beginning of the season, we might be just 3 or 4 back.

"Nobody in this organization is quitting in June. We're bringing the kids up, making some snips here and there, and use some of the money and I guarantee you we'll be in the hunt come September.

"Ten games, hell, that ain't nothin.'"

"Coach, Coach...."

Kelly: "Yea, over there on the side."

"Walt Hunter, CBS," The money you speak of, Comcast money?"

Kelly: "You got it Walt. Can you say $2.5 billion? And what did the fans get, besides a few lamebrains in the television booth and higher cable bills. All that dough and the loyal and true-blue Phillies' fans who pay good money, get excuses, and watch a less than mediocre team. Walt, that's over."

"I'm with you Coach," Hunter called out.


"Coach, Matt Breen, the Inquirer. The fans are beginning to stay away, do you think you can get them back?"

Kelly: "Matt, the past organization gave up. Threw their hands in the air and said 'maybe we can win in 2017 or 2018.' That's horsebleep. Starting tomorrow, you will see a new team. Quinn, Dugan, Crawford, and the rest of them, battling for positions. Starting Sunday Cornelius Randolph will be the starting shortstop.

"There'll be more competition on the field than American Pharoah had at Belmont."

"They'll play like hell, or they'll be gone faster than you can say DeSean Jackson."

"Fans won't be able to get tickets fast enough."

"I'm sick and tired of hearing 'wait till the deadline.' WAIT? That's a month and a half. The team is just going to flounder for a month and a half? Oh, no, we're moving right now and we're not looking back until we get to the post one way or another.

"Now let's get started."

Ahhhhh. Doesn't that sound refreshing?

Ron, wake up and turn over, you are snoring again. Must be dreaming about something. I  don't know what's up with you, you're always having dreams on our cruises. Wake up!

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