Ron Costello

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Equal Opportunity Ass Kicker

I say make Larry Bowa manager for the next three months.

Get rid of this Pete Mackanin. He seems just like the last manager, thoughtful and introspective. Caring and sensitive. Worrisome about players' feelings and understanding of their wants and desires.

We don't need any of that. We need Bowa.

There won't be anymore player pissy fits on the mound with Bowa. Junior won't be sending down lineup suggestions fifteen minutes before game time. No more tantrums by the 24 year old set-up man in the dugout.

Bo will show the youngsters what a real tantrum is when he goes out to argue a bad call. He'll bring the f-word back in vogue. No more please, thank you, and hope you're feeling better.

Oh, and if Domonic gets another boo-boo? Bowa will have some real remedies for him, back in the tunnel half way to the clubhouse — where nobody can see or hear.

And it won't be mecuricome, either.

He'll spit sunflower seeds all game, with his laser focused eyes scanning the field, smoke coming out his ears. If Revere misplays a line shot, you bet your sweet bippy he'll enter the opposite end of the dugout from wherever Bowa is.

But Larry will find him.

And if Hamels is on the mound? Bowa will  have some sweet encouraging words for the game's lineup: sensitive, caring type recommendations, like "get your asses out there, man the hell  up and score some runs for our ace, hit the f _ _ _ _  ball or don't come back to the dugout."

I think they'll understand that.

You see, Bowa doesn't see differences between the elder statesmen like Utley and Howard. No sir. He's an equal opportunity ass kicker. He can be sensitive, too. Like maybe if Papelbon doesn't want to pitch two full innings, Bowa will go up to him in the dugout, put his arm around Pap, and explain things.

In a nice-nice way. Like if you ever want to pitch another game this season, you'll get your sweet-cheeks out there. Any questions?

For Bowa, that's very nice-nice.

Of course the Phillies have a new team President, now. His name is Andy MacPhail and if you want to know about him, read a newspaper once in a while or break down and pay Father Comcast's exorbitant "high speed Internet" prices. Then Google, "baseball lifer, Andy MacPhail."

We're not sure what this means for Junior. But here's one good thing: Part owner John Middleton was at the press conference introducing MacPhail. That tells me that caring and sensitive is a thing of the past and let's make things happen has taken it's place.

Here's all you need to know about MacPhail: He's Pat Gillick fifteen years ago.

Here's what MacPhail needs to know:
  • Trade 3-4 players quickly to shed salary or borrow some of Father Comcast's money to buy them out;
  • Stop playing the old-heads and play the future;
  • Bring more of the future up and stop worrying about damaging their psychic instability too early  because when they meet Bowa, they'll lose it all anyway;
  • Start studying next season's free agent market and borrow some more of Father Comcast's money when you eyeball three or four; or maybe five;
  • Consider keeping Hamels and build a rotation around him; not Harang, Williams and Billingsley, but the fresh young arms on the farm; 
  • You have a core of talented youth, now fill in around them and be competitive next season, not in 2018, like caring and sensitive Pat Gillick said;
Oh yea, almost forgot.

Make Larry Bowa manager! This season's been way too boring.

(This afternoon the Phillies announced that Pete Mackanin will remain the Phillies manager for the remainder of the season. I wish the Skipper the best in moving the team forward.)
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