Listen, it's not true that Eagles fans pounded ice balls onto Dallas coach Jimmy Johnson's head and them other demented Boys on the sidelines. The crew at Veterans' Stadium failed to remove all the snow in amongst the seats and aisles, and the fans were just helping clear it up, is all.
And the JD Drew fictional incident with the batteries at the Vet where fans were accused of throwing D batteries. The truth of it is they were throwin' double A's so let's get the story straight. And about the woman who offered sex for World Series tickets in the 2009 Series, that was a lie, too. Just ask Bill Clinton what's the best way to describe a sexual act and Bill will tell you plain and simple.
And the one about the hangin' judge in the basement at the Vet ready to try the drunk and maligned and send them to a waitin' cell in the Holmesburg lockup is also a fallacy. The judge couldn't get season tickets, and it was the only way for him to get in.
And wait just a minute about that old story of fans cheering Michael Irvin lying on the field with a hurt neck. I'd like to ask one down and dirty question about that. Did those casting the stones (never did that neither) know what was on the fan-o-vision at that exact moment? Of course, not. It was probably Harry describing Mickey Morandini coming up to the plate and them fans were howling like dogs. You remember how Harry could do that, right?
And remember this too, the fans never threw nothin' at no Easter Bunny at any time so do go drumming up lies about that one, too.
Now we have these accusations about a fan throwing a beer bottle at the Big Piece after he made another out. Watch some Tex Ritter cowboy movies — ole Tex was my favorite — and pay particular interest to the bar fights Tex got himself involved in. You'll see how Tex solved the whole thing by bustin' a beer bottle over the hombre's head. They had to hollar "CUT" so to sweep up the Ballantine beer glass particles all over the barroom floor. You recall "make the three-ring sign and ask the man for Ballantine?" By Saam must have said that a million times. And how 'bout this one: "Nobody bakes a cake as tasty as a Tastykake." I like to add a little nostalgia here in these computer-generated stories.
Have you seen what they serve beer in at Citizens Bank Park lately? Try bustin' one of them aluminum jobs over somebody's head in a bar fight, go ahead I dare you. Them cowpokes be laughin' so hard you'd think you was tryin' to finish them off with a feather duster.
Now I'm not sayin' the fella was guilty or innocent of the beer bottle throwin' charges. What I'm sayin' is it 'twerent no beer bottle. It was a flipsy, dipsey light as a feather aluminum thing that most likely floated to the grass like a butterfly and plopped down along side the Piece's over-enlarged monster shoe, which at one time we use to call spikes but that's a nostalgia for the later days. And why do you think they call him the Big Piece? This throwin' fella must be blind in order to miss a fella they call the Big Piece so we should all be feelin' sorry for him. Maybe take up a collection.
And don't go thinkin' there was beer in the alleged beer bottle. Ain't no halfbrain dimwit Philly fan that's gonna waste even a quarter-ounce on no Big Piece.
Maybe an idea is to raise more money for the kids' lemonade stands by lining up folks equipped with empty floatin' aluminum canisters — which is the proper terminology — and they get a chance to throw one at the Big Piece to see if they are blind like the other fella. It'd be five bucks a throw. Cept' there's one problem with this experimental fundraising plan and that is the Piece don't get in games no more because the fella with the two first names is hittin' balls all over the yard. So that kills that idea. And nobody's gonna thrown no canisters at a fella who can hit, two first names or naught.
Well just wait until September rolls around and they bring all them kids from Lehigh Valley and Reading to the Show to get em' ready for 2017. And there ain't no more room in the dugout. Then where's the Big Piece gonna go? Stand outside the dugout and be a target for them moron lowlife degenerate aluminum-canister-throwin' crazies who give thousands of loyal, intelligent, diehard Philly fans a bad rap?.